Weblog...

 

February 19, 2006 - Sunday
When I talk to my mom, I don't know how to put this in words. It's weird, my mom always tries to raise the bar for where I've gotten so far in my life. I know I've overcome a few obstacles, but seriously who hasn't? That's what life is about. You get knocked down, so freakin what you get your ass back up and keep going. I like hearing she's proud of me, but I wish she wouldn't treat my shortcomings as something no one else goes through. I'm not special. I'm Kevin doing what I have to in order to survive. She over exaggerates everything that has happened to me... maybe I under estimate them. I guess I don't know. Deep down I know I've come a helluva long ways, but from anyone looking at me and my life they'd say I was years behind where any other 25 yr old male should be. Knowing that used to bother me. I understand now that I can't control what has happened to me or my family/friends I can only control who I am now and where my life goes and my life has no more going downs, atleast nothing that I will not overcome swiftly and use to make me stronger. Mom always worries about me. Why?? Is that just a mother thing? Or does she really think I'm going to start doing drugs, drinking and doing stupid things ? I don't get it. I'm glad she cares but damn no one needs to worry about me. No one. I'm strong, I don't need anyone. I thought I did and depended on him and he's gone now so why depend on anyone? I want family and friends, but for companionship not for living off from or being worried about. I'd rather live in a cardboard box living in seclusion than have family and friends worry about me. Everyone needs to know I'm fine and stop worrying about me. My dad never worried about me, he knew I was strong and would make it. Why can't everyone understand as clearly as he did and still show they care?

February 16, 2006 - Thursday
I set this page up because it gives me the oppurtunity to create a website and show it off so to speak, not to meet people or get a date or what have you. I started looking at other peoples 'About Me' and noticed some of the things they've said and thought 'that would be cool to see how i viewed myself on the day it was written and how if it all it has changed' so I may go a little in depth, probably more than anyone cares, but its more for me then for you :) Probably a waste of time seeing as some of the stuff couldn't possibly change. I am more honest then most can handle. I enjoy working on cars, but won't do it for a living. I'm going to college for Computer Software Application Programming at ITT Tech. I play a occasional video game if I have the time. (typically sports games cuz I cant get into FPS or Role Playing games much). Watching Packers and NASCAR on Sundays are a must! I probably spend more of my free time on the computer then I need, but its the best way to keep on top of things like sports, news, bank account and educational stuff. Musically I'm pretty well diversed. Sometimes I wanna listen to nothing but Classic Rock(Queen), then something with a heavy bass line(Eminen), sometimes something mellow(Jewel), heavy paced rock(KoRn) heck even sometimes I don't even mind Country, that's a blue moon thing though. I over think a lot of things. I swear its a curse brought on from my father always pounding the comment 'THINK BOY THINK' with everything I ever did. Good or bad. My father is responsible for a large portion of who I am and what I am. One thing I've noticed I do that I just recently related back to my father. At times I speak with short breaths and really fast hoping to get everything I need to say out right away before the listener gets bored. See with my father whenever I'd start telling him about something he'd always wave his hands as if to say 'hurry up son get to the point' which basically made me feel like what I had to say wasn't worth his time. So if I ever start talking really fast its because I don't think you give two shits about what I'm saying lol. Don't take it personal though. He also taught me to never give up, never run from difficulty, face everything head on and learn as much as you can because the more knowledge you have the farther you will get. My father was many things for me and this last two plus years has been very VERY difficult on me. He was the only person who I could depend on to be there for me. The only person I could depend on an unbias no bullshit this is what I think opinion on any situation I threw at him. When I was younger I hated that about him, now I miss that about him. I've learned its better to hear what you NEED to hear instead of what others think you WANT to hear. Sort of like that saying goes you don't always get what you want, sometimes you just get what you need. I recently picked up rollerblading, loads of fun. I got my hands on a decent home gym that I used to use too much according to my brother but in the last month or so with all the changes going on I slipped out of my routine and only work out once a day with limited reps. I mountain bike, but not on mountains just anywhere the bike takes me. Weather permitting I shoot hoops in the park. I like movies that make me think like Saw, Count of Monte Cristo, movies like that. I like being challenged. I've been single for more than two and half years for many reasons. The bigger reasons would have to be cuz I'm scared crapless of getting another pyscho who I let control my life and ultimately ruin it. I'm not saying SHE ruined it, but I let her force me into decisions that weren't beneficial to my life. For example. I wanted to go to school for something computer related and she always said no woman would want a computer guy for a husband. I felt her comments to be valid and agreed. So I didn't go back to school and instead worked general labor jobs to make money right away. Basically I let her get in the way of my dreams. I always wanted to go back to school. Get a degree. Work in the degree field for a few years, start my own business. Buy some land, build a house, buy a Lamborghini and retire when I'm about 60 and give the business to my children. I have a lot of plans, a lot of dreams and a lot of ideas and since being single I have the motivation to go after them. I'm just not sure if there is a lady out there for me who could support me in my aspirations. Wow I didn't make this connection before but that goes right back to me not thinking I'm worth someones time. I try to stay away from everyone. I work as many hours and days as I can to avoid everyone. I wouldn't say I'm a loner, I just like my time to myself. One of the main reasons is I don't want to get attached to someone then have them taken from me like I did with my father. He was the rock I 'knew' couldn't be taken away and I was proved wrong. I learned nothing is 'for sure' and when it comes to people I noticed more and more you get let down by others then have support from them. I have a really short attention span. I'm always doing something different. I start one thing, then move to the next and keep going. --- That's all the rambling for now 2/16/06

February 1, 2006 - Wednesday
I can't focus on my class's, my grades are starting to suffer big time. During class when I should be scrambling to write down notes I worry about work, how I'm gonna pay this fine off before March 6th, whether my brother is going to get a job, if my dad is doing ok, what hospital my mom is in, if tire is gonna get slashed again, what im going to tell my landlord about not having the entire rent, paying off the loan i got so i wouldn't incur numerous NSF charges from having to pay the fine for door county and so many other dumb ass shit that I should be smart enough to block out, ESPECIALLY in school. Damn, I know I'm smarter than this. I know it. I think I'm losing my mind. I've been having weird thoughts, ideas, unexplanable emotions ... I don't know how much more I can take at this rate. I had everything worked out to have my fine paid off and now its falling apart. In fact, its fallen apart. I know this is MY responsability and should have been taken care of years ago, I accept that. I had money coming to me from two sources, one who owes me for buying parts and fixing her car and my brother who owes me nearly three months of rent. Both of which told me I'd get paid back this month with taxes. Well, Damien was getting direct deposit but just recently found out his account got closed because he had his account in the negative and now has to find out where his money is and inform them of the new information. That will take nearly four to six weeks! So that money is out of the question for my court date. The friend well she had her checks intercepted by the goverment for previous debts for college she never paid. She was gonna borrow me the remainder of my fine and I would buy her a car and make the payments til I reached the borrowed amount. Everything was worked out great, until today. I'm going to go to court with zero dollars towards the fine and ... I have no one to blame by the guy in the mirror. I feel really selfish at times, its like I'm feeling sorry for myself and I hate that. I dont feel sorry for myself I know I'm far better off them a lot of people and im very greatful for that. I do have positives. I have a great daughter, a decent home, a great job, dependable transportation, good bill of health, and lots of other things so ... how can i be so weak to let this even register in my head?

January 29, 2006 - Sunday
Joe who works at DirecTV called me yesterday and asked where my brother was and if he was okay. Damien is okay. Well, for now that is. Turns out he just got fired for 3 no call no shows. I'm really losing my patience with him. He lost his license a few weeks ago for a $180 fine he didn't pay, he hasn't paid nearly three months of rent, doesnt take care of his cat or pick up after himself or his gf in the house. Just a lot of little things I guess. He's a good kid, don't get me wrong. But damn I've got him two jobs, one of them I got him REHIRED after he stopped showing up for work. Both jobs said he's a very good worker and everyone liked him. I just don't get it. Why just stop showing up? When he was working with me he complained he had more money then he knew what to do with and he was worried he was gonna spend it foolishly. I told him I'd help manage it for him and get him a good savings account, then he stopped going to work. He owes me $650 for past bills and I want to tell him to just keep $200 of it and pay his fine so he gets his license back. If I do that then he doesnt learn anything but i want to help him. I really wish I could get through to him and wake him up so he realizes what hes doing with his life before its too late. He avoids me big time though when he knows he's gonna get a talk to. My mom is upset with me about Damien. She says I yelled at her for helping him too much and making him soft and says I'm doing the same thing. Guess she might be right. Maybe its ego talking here but I know what my brother needs more than my mom does. I've lived the life he's starting to and its not fun. It's hell. It wasn't worth it. All I can do for him is hope for the best and expect the worst and if it the worst happens, be there for him. I can now fight for Keiana with no worries of going to jail since my warrants are all taken care of. That's a huge positive. Her mom is going to be super pissed which kind of scares me. She's a freaking pyscho when she wants to be and a really mean one.

January 25, 2006 - Wednesday
Sunday evening around 900pm I checked a chevy forum where I had posted some questions about my truck. I was already in bed but figured wtf lets see what they said, if anything. Well I found out where my timing mark is that I need it set to so I went outside and worked on my truck. The truck was right behind someones window and I was like crap i think thats a kids room. so I went accross the street to the park. popped the hood, checked the timing, set the timing, tightened down the distributor, threw the timing gun in the passenger side of the truck, closed the hood, came around to the driver side and seen two cop cars behind my truck. Figured bah i aint doing nothing wrong so i hopped in my truck and then i noticed one of them holding a flashlight in my direction. Said shit better get out or they gonna chase me down lol When the cop came up to me he asked me if i knew anything about the pavillion door being opened. I said nope, He asked how long I been there, i said not even 4 minutes sir. He asked if i seen anything told him nope, he said ok well u can be on ur way in just a minute. Then asked my name and if i owned the truck, i answered him then he went hmphf ok im gonna need u to face that way with ur hands behind ur back, i asked what for, he said you have to warrants, brown county and door county each over four years old. I was like crap !! lol They hauled me off to Brown County, spent the night there, had court in the morning, video court. Judge gave me til March something to pay off the fine. Then said he's ordering me to be released however its going to be into Door County's custody. That was at 5pm. I sat and waited four hours before I found out Door county was coming. Went to Door county, Rose and Damien brought my wallet there and I paid my fine and left at 120am on my way back home. What a great stay from 930pm to 9pm in Brown county and in door county from 10pm to almost 130 in the morning today. Well to cut it short, it was a lot of BS but i have no one to blame but myself for the crap. The thing about jail thats' really funny. No one did anything wrong, its everyone elses fault. It was amazing out of 14 men I was the only one who when asked why are you here replied with 'i fucked up, i got a couple tickets five years ago and neglected to pay them so here i sit' Also found out some information on my former step brother Dustin. Turns out one of the guys i was in jail with lets him live with him since his mom's bf kicked him out. Well he's got 22 controlled delieveries, caught with over 3lbs of weed, and something like 56 grams of ectasy. He's 17 and is being charged with four felonies. I told the guy 'damn i havent seen him in like 3 years' he replied back 'you wont see him for atleast another six to 20' What a waste of youth. Looking back on it, the jail thing that is. I'm glad it happened. I no longer have ANY worries about cops. I have no more fines to get me locked up. Nothing. No more stressing out when someone knocks on my door uninvited(although the thought of that still bothers me) no more looking over my shoulder and ya know if it wasnt for that jackass who cut my tire couple weeks ago i may not have had the money to pay my door county fine. since the landlord was such a jerk about it i told him he wasnt getting rent til early feb lol ... but i suppose I'd still have the rent money cuz i wouldn't have sent it in yet anyways.. i dunno just trying to find the positive aspects to it, if there are any. NO MORE LOOKING OVER MY SHOULDER BEING SCARED!!

January 22, 2006 - Sunday
What a great day outside. The first time in months that I've left work and there was hours of sunshine! I was extremely motivated walking out of work until I got home. All I wanted to do was go to sleep for a bit. I offered to fix Damien's mustang for him, he rejected the offer stating it was illegal to tow a vehicle. Even though he helped me tow my truck home when I first got it. He's lazier than I could imagine being. I've asked him to bring it to our house and I'd fix it myself, but he keeps claiming it takes atleast two people to fix it. Yeah, he said the same thing about his alternator on his Escort and I replaced that in a half hour. For my truck I was gonna remove the dent, fix the interior lights, wash it, reset the speedometer and consider cleaning the inside of it. None of that happened, not a single thing. Once I got outside I froze my nipples off and froze my motivation away too lol I did however try to wash my truck. The arm for the was hit the rear end of my truck breaking the car wash. Just a bolt was damaged, broke in half to be exact. The gas station called me an hour later telling me to come back through it. I did. And the arm went around my truck twice then hit my truck again, breaking their car wash yet a gain. I walked back into the gas station with a shit ass grin and the girl goes 'not again, no way' I jus nodded my head and she gave me a slip for a ultimate wash but said don't come back anymore today lol So yea, that's the highlight of my day, I broke Shell's car wash, twice in 90 minutes :)

January 02, 2006 - Monday
Just received a phone call from Rechel saying 'dont bother coming thursday to pick up your daughter, your never gonna see her again' This coming because Keiana was wearing PJ's that were a big on her and because she likes to sleep on the couch instead of the bed. Our agreement was fifty fifty placement and I'd get my child support checks back. The first one was kept by them because they needed that for the two weeks they had her and I didn't have her because I didn't need money for the week I had her, second week I got 90 out of 150 because they took 60 out for i dont even know and this last one was kept to pay for head start. That's 90 given back to me out of a possible 450 in six weeks. I'm sad but thankful I got to see her for six weeks. My time will come. She will be with her father. Maybe not today, tomorrow or this month but she will.

December 22, 2005 - Thursday 
First few free minutes I've had in quite some time now. I'm burning DVD's so what the hell why not update a bit :) New job is going good. It's getting better each day. Just found out I'm gonna get a bigger raise after sixty days instead of ninety days and its guaranteed so that's a plus. Having Keiana is fun. It's addicting. I never wanna bring her back and you know what, she hates it when I drop her off. That makes me feel good, but in the same sense bad. I don't want her to be unhappy ever, I guess she has to see her mom too though. I can talk again just fine. My back has recovered very well. I have basically no ill effects from lifting that 55 gallon garbage can of water lol ... geesh that was stupid. I got my grades in school, kind of disappointed. My overall GPA is only 3.14 that's not good for only four or six classes. I got my truck now too. What freaking beast. I swore I ran over a station wagon today on the highway. Dude came up on my ass out of know where then disappeared. I was in the left lane, he was in the right lane. I had no clue where he was. I was freaking cuz I hit a hard bump I was like FUGGIN GREAT I JUS RAN OVER A STATION WAGON so I slowed down a bit and like magic there was a un damaged station wagon. My brother and his friend with myself worked on it today setting the timing on it so now that's all set. I just have to get new doors and paint the doors and the truck will be good for winter. A friend of mine has two extra doors, talk about lucking out eh? I knew there would be financial benefits with getting an old truck like getting doors and parts free :P Okay the DVD is done burning now, time for bed.

December 08, 2005 - Thursday 
Lara started talking to me about her ex-bf. She said she came accross him in the store and asked him why he was such an asshole to her. He informed her that he had a gf the entire year and half they were dating. Now she's freaking out and hating men more than she did before. Kind of shed some light on something for me though. Why do we ask why? It's never good enough. It only hurts us. So why ask? When I am on a date with someone a lot of times I think of the lies and deceit my ex spewed at me. I think of the reason why she stole my car and went to some guys house for three days and her reason was ... well you wouldn't believe me if I told you. The point is, never ask why. Jus say FUCK'EM and move on. There are plenty of men an women in this world. If you're not happy, fuck'em! (not literally) move on and find someone who appreciates YOU for YOU not for what they think they can do for you or vice versa. I just dont get why so many people try to FORCE things to work. A relationship should come EASY and FUN, not argumentive. bah i gotta go to work gonna have to cut it short

November 30, 2005 - Wednesday 
This is been the most crazy weird week and half that I can remember. Week and half ago Monday my hand gets really numb and shakey, then the other does the same followed by one of the worst headaches I've had. I could barely drive home from work, I had to use my knee to steer because I was shaking so bad. I got home down half of some NyQuil slept the night away, well most of it. Tuesday morning I took a painkiller so I was pretty upity that day. Wednesday I couldn't get my nose to stop running and my ear kept popping violently. Thursday BLAH I hate thanksgiving thats another story but I pretty much slept the whole day hiding from the world jus as I prefer then Friday I start to lose my voice. Also on Friday I get my daughter thrusted into my life. Very greatful for it too. That was awesome news. Saturday I completely lost my voice, Sunday my voice felt like it was getting better but I still sounded like poop. Monday my voice was even worse and I was sent home early from work in hopes coming back Tuesday I'd be able to work more efficiently. Well Monday night Lara messages me at 10pm asking me if I was ready for class tomorrow, I was like 'ahh we dont have class til weds then thursday' bottom line I was wrong, we had class tuesday so I had to scramble to find someone to watch Keiana for the evening. So Tuesday mike the guy who's fixing my truck guarantees it will be done by 3pm, well 3pm came along and he called me and told me he personally messed up my new tranny then after admitting it was his fault he pushed blame on to ME. I lost my composure and completely went off on him. I mean hell I've been extremely patient for over THREE months while he's had my truck and he has the balls to tell me he NEEDS money so my truck has to get done. Give me a break asshole you should have done it MONTHS ago, so yea I let him have it lol Good news is I got a replacement tranny for it at no charge. It's good to have friends and to be respected by salvage yards haha I give them LOTS of business. Now for today. I get called into the main conference room by my boss and some other dude. I won't complicate things with stuff you wont understand, but Jess and Steve were going on and on about how great my work ethic is, how dependable i am etc then said they have a position opening up that they want me to control. I was like okay cool. They really didn't say they wanted ME for it but they were leaning towards it i guess. I just didnt wanna get excited then be asked 'so we want ur opinion on who should be this lead person' ya know? Cuz that sucks monkeyballs on rice. A little background on something here, the company i work for holds about 26 offices and our office which is the corporate office is the worst, by far. This needs to be changed they said and they want me to lead up the changing of it. I don't know how to sum it up in words for anyone to understand but basically its a huge ass promotion, one that i NEVER imagined could happen. I kind of figured i'd be promoted but only to supervisor within the contact center. So now I get new hours of 8-5 mon-fri and i can come in on saturday for extra hours if i want. but im guaranteed atleast 45 hours a week and NO MORE ANSWERING HUNDREDS OF PHONE CALLS EACH DAY... I wish you guys knew the magnitude of this promotion because you'd be friggin impressed so much you'd leave poopie pebbles in your pants. I dunno I'm friggin happy as can be though. This week is jus going crazy good. Okay well I did leave out one thing cuz its kind of something i did stupid. Last week I attempted to life a 55 gallon garbage can of water. Yeah I didnt get it to move far at all. What I did get was a pulled groin hernia, sore testical for four days and a really sore back.

November 22, 2005 - Tuesday 
Start with the small shit. Truck, still not fucking finished. The tranny that was in it, shot so I called in a few favors got a new tranny and yet it still sits untouched. I'm kind of pissed, nah I'm extremely fucking pissed about it. I hate lazy ass pathetic two faced imbesols. The positive! One main goal I've had for a few years has been getting my daughter. Friday evening Joe (Keiana's moms husband) called me asking me to take her for the night, then proceeded to tell me how difficult she was being. Not listening, not eating and told me they tried everything, even spanking. He said they wanted Keiana to come to my house to see how good she had it with them. Nice way of saying 'lets put her in hell so she behaves better when she comes back to us' ... ass. Anyhow I go over there to get her and they have two days of clothes packed and ask if I can take her for two days. I was caught off guard, I had to work the following day for 10hrs, so naturally I said yes, but thought why pack two days of clothes if u only asked for one? Well Saturday night Joe called me again and talked to Keiana and Keiana kept telling Joe she didn't wanna go back to their house and she wanted to stay with me. That made me feel pretty good! Well to cut it short, she's gonna be living with me starting Monday. I finally get to raise MY child. I was planning for this to happen one year after college was finished but I'm pleased its happening earlier. The negative. I went into work today, checked the job queue for wisconsin and michigan and what do i see? three jobs for my brother. I called the back office an asked why he was scheduled on his day off, they said since he didnt come in saturday, sunday or monday they made a deal with him which was to come in the rest of the week and he'd still have a job. He was a no call no show three days in a row and they STILL held his job for him. The irony here, we had a really nice one hour talk about pride, responsability, priorities and things his parents should have done on Friday, the day before he stopped coming to work. it amazes how different he and I are. Bottom line. He's not gonna be able to pay his half of the bills now so he's gonna have to leave :( I really like living with my brother. I wish he was more responsible with his actions. He's such a great kid, but he's going down the same idiotic path I did. Hopefully it all works out. The good. I'll make it. No matter how hard it is, I will make it. I've made it through more than any words can describe and now I know why. It was to make me strong enough for this and everything that follows. Odds and ends, at Wal Mart while buying Keiana a snow suit and boots she told the cashier 'you have hair on ur lip' yea it was a WOMAN, i looked over at my brother as if to say 'wtf do i do now' so i told Keiana she had hair on her lip because she was special and that some day she's gonna be special and have hair on her lip she said 'no daddy ur silly im a girl i wont have hair on my lip only boys' yea that backfired. That was Friday. Saturday at McDonalds she told the cashier there she sounded like a BOY. I mean c'mon now I can't take this child anywhere lol.

October 08, 2005 - Saturday 
Okay so my brother calls in sick two thursday's ago, friday calls in, doesnt show up for saturday and his boss comes to me and asks me whats going on with him. I give him my interpretation of the situation leaving a gap for him to come back, possibly. His boss says 'have him call me so we can work out a better schedule for him' meaning he still has a job!! Unreal right? It gets better. I tell my brother this news and he doesnt even call for almost a whole WEEK!. When I got home this past wednesday he and his buddy chris were there in the living room. He still had no called his boss. So I sat there talking up the job and the situation he was in and how it benefited him. He said he might have a job somewhere else. I was like so fucking what? MIGHT doesnt pay the damn bills. Even if you work there for a few days and drop it atleast you made some money instead of sitting on your ass and his buddy chris agreed. Chris was all gunho about going and wanting to get an application and Damien jus kind of shrugged it off. Well I said lets go I'm gonna go with you guys and I'll help fix your car. So we all went and the bastard gets a dollar raise, his health benefits and his own schedule. I'm really happy for him but I fear he didn't learn a valuable lesson and maybe I put too much effort in for him to get his job back. oh well he's young yet and i'm sure he'll learn responsability eventually. I've learned caring for others is virtually pointless. The more you care the more you get taken for granted. I've went from being a very happy go lucky person to a very kept to myself person and recently I decided to open up a bit and I think it was a mistake. So I've been blocking a lot of people out lately and somethings are getting more clear to me. And also they've been getting more distorted too. It's not working out as I planned. Should I just shut everyone out again and start all over? I don't know but that was one helluva ramble for being at work, listening to music and modifying a work order with dish network all at once.

September 16th, 2005 - Saturday 
Finally got a home gym. Only took over a year! I stayed up til 2:30am putting it together then went to work for 7:00am. Talk about a fun ass day.  I wasn't tired at all until I got home then I was out for four hours, haha.

September 8th, 2005 - Thursday 
Okay so today I'm in a really good mood because my night was great fun thinking nothing could take the smile off my face. Wrong!! At work I got pinned into a big pile of kahkah. Somehow my name was brought up in a specific modification of an account. I don't know how or why. I do remember thinking 'i better find out about unemployment' when the Owner of the entire company was yelling at me with my Manager and our General Manager all in the same room with me. Good thing for me I have a great rep for being an excellent employee and when I stated my side of the matter that excluded me from the saga all together. I don't know. No one will understand that cept those who I work with, but bottom line, don't try to get me fired you jus make yourself look even more foolish. Then on my way home after the day was done I was driving alongside a semi and as I approached the cab the semi was getting larger. I jus assumed quickly maybe the wind jerked him a bit then before that thought was even over i could see his front tires turning hard left shoving me right off the road into the upper section of the ditch. To make things even worse the drivers behind me wanted to pass me without letting me BACK on the road. How damn inconsiderate can people be? Oh flipping well I guesss I should be happy no one was hurt. That type of stuff jus irritates me so I'm gonna take a nap before I gotta go to school. Oh speaking of school I'm only getting a damn 3.75 GPA. I was ONE percent away from 4.0. That ticked me off.

September 5th, 2005 - Monday 
Have you ever felt so motivated to do something you leave your car bazillion miles from home at night so in the morning you have to roller blade all the way back to it? Ya that's what I did. Funny story. I woke up with no motivation to get my car. Not a huge surprise there. I did my normal routine, woke up, worked out, showered then tried to figure a way out of having to rollerblade from De Pere to the northern part of East Green Bay to get my car. I wanted the exercise so I went. I have no idea why I wore JEANS. I didn't crash once so I'm pretty proud of myself. It was only my second time on rollerblades in over twelve years. The overall ride was just over ten miles. This week I start my next quarter of classes and they didn't even care today was a holiday. I got my College Math I online stuff already. Looks like they want four hours for specific class workd and 12-16hrs of 'outside' classwork. That's 16hrs for CM. My Intro to PC's which runs from 6pm-1050pm will be a breeze seeing that I'm a awesome computer geek! Yea thats right I'm better then YOU!! hahaah lol Seriously I am good :) Okay I'm getting delierious now, time for bed. G'nite.

September 4th, 2005 - Sunday 
Went rollerbladding. Out side of the house this time lol ... I didn't fall but I did do a few circles trying to stop. I took a friend and her eight yr old to see madasicar. She's been wanting to see it for a while now and her mom couldn't afford it so I figured since I had the cash why not? Then the little twirt went to the bank on popcorn candy soda etc lol oh well she had a good time so its all good. Its just money anyhow. I am getting pretty excited about my truck. The guy said he'd fix the exhaust on it too because he has to take it off to get to the tranny anyhow then gave me crap about how high the truck is and that he will have to use blocks jus to get his jack high enough to the tranny lol haha suckah!! I will possibly have it back by tuesday. I'd add more but im crazy mad tired.

September 2nd, 2005 - Friday 
Third day and going strong! For working out that is. I'll be getting a home gym with the next paycheck most definetely. I bought some roller blades today and i must say eight wheels with one brake is not a good ratio for me. I wore them for bout an hour in the house but when it came to go out side i pussied out. Got my check today too. Sure is nice having all the bills paid and still having money left over. Rare feeling but for all the hours I put in I think I deserve it a little bit. Talked to the guy about my truck today. He hasn't had time to work on it but he said he'd fix my exhaust flanges for me too which is cool. He'll have it done by tuesday which gives me enough time to register it. Hmm what else. That's pretty much it it wasn't all that eventful of a day. OOOOOh my digital camera has a flash. I took a really crappy pic but i put it on my profile anyhow jus for shits n grins. My bro an I both bought these little SD memory card things for our cams so now we can take over 400 hi res pictures. I'm gonna have an awesome time with this. I think taking pictures is jus flippin cool yo! Hey maybe if i can stay on my wheels long enough ill bring my digi cam along the trail an take pics that'd be sweet. Time for the last rep of push ups then bed time.

September 1st - Thursday 
I don't know how to express how I am feeling right now. I could talk to my brother or mother about it, but they don't give me their opinion they give me what they think I want to hear. It's times like this I miss my dad. He knew what I wanted to hear and what I needed to hear and even though I didn't always like it, he told me what I needed to hear. I don't know how to say it or how to even begin. I think I found what I've been looking for but I don't know how to get it. Make sense? Maybe I should just got to bed and see what tomorrow holds. I just realized I have totally spaced out my truck. I've waited months for my truck to be driveable again and I've been completely distracted from it..

August 29th, 2005 - Monday 
I really can't wait for this month to be over. Every which way I turn there seems to be bad things going on. Not so much towards me, I can handle just about anything. For my friends its been crap! One friend lost a friend due to unknown heart failure then a week later her grandma passed. Then I found out from someone I work with that m ex gf's brother died in a car crash. I felt like I should contact her an tell her sorry or ... something but I don't know what so I didn't. Two of the girls I work with got their heart broken over the weekend and did nothing but cry today which really sucked cuz I was helpless there isn't anything I can do. IF YOU DON'T WANT TO BE WITH THE PERSON JUST MOVE THE FUCK ON, BE A MAN! Not to mention it gives the rest of the men in this world who DO appreciate women a really bad image. If you tell someone you care or love them for the love of god SHOW IT! It's really not that hard. It happens everyday. The only good news I really have is I'm still healthy, putting in a lot of overtime and I should have my truck registered and driving by this time next week. I was so excited to be able to drive it it seems so small considering what others are going through. It's said everything happens for a reason. I'd really like to know the reason why some of us are put through so much bullshit. To make us stronger? To build character? To make us appreciate life more? That's what I got out of my hardships but who's to say that's the 'right' thing. Peace out I'm done whining.

August 25th, 2005 - Thursday 
Tuesday was my last day officially of the quarter. Strategies for Technical Professionals = 87% right now but my final project which I got 100% on has not yet been factored in and for Problem Solving = 95%. So far college is going 'ok'. My STP class the isntructor said she really enjoyed my writtings which I thought was pretty neat. Made me feel good. PS class was a easy one. It was mainly just algebra and story problem. I like solving problems so that was a breeze. Next set of class' start Sept 8th. College Math I or II and I've been told that will be 12-15hrs per week online and my Intro to Personal Computers will be 5hrs a week. I reall am NOT looking forward to having someone explain to me an teach me everything I know about a computer already but oh well. Lesson learned I should have tested out when given the chance LoL. Work is going okay. Still working six days a week @ 48-53hrs and loving the paychecks!! OOOOOH I'll have my truck middle of next week. WOOHOO!!

August 10th, 2005 - Wednesday 
I'm not really sure about this anymore. I thought I was a really straight to the point person, but maybe that makes me an asshole. I've been really paying close attention to others and how they are towards others whether they like them or not. I work with about 23 females and 4 guys in our office so obviously there is gonna be a lot of chit chat. What disturbs me is how often people go out of their way to pretend to like that person or to give them positive comments when the second that person turns their back they say nothing but negative shit about them. WHY? Why put the effort into something you do not believe in? Or ... OR am I wrong? If I don't like someone, I don't pretend that I do, they know already. I mean of course I get along with them, but if they do or say or act in a way I feel is wrong I'm not afraid to let'em know whats up. For instance a guy is dating two girls, some will say 'thats awesome man two chicks you rock' and once they turn their back they do nothing but dog them. I don't understand that. Why not pony up and tell them straight up their being a slapnuts an giving nice guys a bad rap? I don't pretend to go along or however you see it an that I tell it like it is, does that mean I'm an asshole? Should I start saying 'fuck it' and pretend to agree with everything everyone says and does just so others see me in an aspect that doesnt include being an 'asshole'? Personally I think the true assholes are those who are being fake. Dad raised me to be a man, stand up for what I believe in and I see others being fake so others like them. I say be real they'll get over it.

June 25th, 2005 - Sunday 
Sitting here at work, bored, my phone rings, its a odd looking number, 507 something, hesitant to answer I have this weird almost odd feeling that I 'have' to answer it, so, I did and hear a woman softly crying saying 'kevin you can say it, go ahead an say i told you so because you were right again' and I said 'what? ah' stumbling over any words not having a clue who was on the other line and she goes 'do you know this is, its Ann' Apparently she found yet another jerkoff for a boyfriend. I wish I had the right answers to tell her, but I don't. All I can tell her is to be strong, patient and understand its not your fault and you will find happiness someday, but for some reason or other now is not the time. She has a few good friends over in MN and likes her job a lot with that information I told her it would be obvious to stay there and get a new place an slap a restraining order on his ass. She's a great girl, I hope it works out for her and her son in MN

June 17th, 2005 - Friday 
My Friday class is Problem Solving. So I have Strategies for Technical Professionals Tuesdays and Problem solving on Fridays.

June 14th, 2005 - Tuesday 
Had my first day of class today, Strategies for Technical Professionals. The purpose of the class is to learn how to use E-mail, the internet, Microsoft Office tools and all the other basic stuff I've been doing for the last five plus years. GREAT FUN! Not really, kind of boring, but its getting me back into the swing of things of school again.

May 24th, 2005 - Tuesday 
Words can't describe the confusion, the loneliness, hell anything I feel or have been feeling lately. I don't know what is wrong. I miss my father. It'll be two years this coming thanksgiving. Ever since I was as young as I could remember he always told me he'd be there for me, no matter what. Nothing could get in the way. Even when I was in jail, he was there, he came to visit, paid the outrageous charges for me to call him collect. I could always count on him even if I didn't give in to his advice, I listened to it and absorbed it. I didn't show it, but I respected him. I hate this feeling. I want it to go away! I'm always tired, stressed, exhausted and for what? Why? My job is not physically demanding, hell I sit in a god damn desk all day long. I used to work 10hrs straight labor and had more energy than I knew what to do with. I get home now and I jus wanna fucking sleep. I think of things I could and should do. But I lose motivation so quickly. I decided to leave the RenWerX Skinner Lead position I had with the dev team. I wanna focus more on school when it comes, so I know this is the right decision. I'm hoping that is the cause of my exhaustion. I don't know exactly how, but I hope things look up from here on out. I have no romance interest at all and I realized why I'm single the last few days. I got somehow tangled up in some teeniebopper drama and all I could think, I'm so glad I don't HAVE to deal with this. Then it got me thinking how lonely I really am. My two best friends I never felt so far apart from. Jim is in Washington and Nick is two miles away but yet so much farther away. I wanna talk to him but I don't know what to say to keep his interest. Ever listen to John Lennon - Imagine? Replace Heaven with Kevin. My dad used to do that jus to add me to a song, he always did that stuff, but I can't help think how many people would be better off if I wasn't in their life, ever. When I was really young I would have dreams, not one was me being over the age of 22. I thought I had a short life and I used that as an excuse to be a lame ass, then I turned 23 and I wanted to cry I was happy I made it past 22. Then I realized shit I should be finishing college, I hadn't even finished high school. I made goals, I went back to school, got my GED and got lined up for my HS Diploma and I'm going to college, but I don't have anyone to share it with outside my mom and rest of my family. I don't know. I don't know what to do. I can not stand not having answers. I do have to do something, I don't know what, but I have to.

April 26th, 2005 - Tuesday 
Lets see here, what's all happened in the last month of note. I bought pizza! I was trying to get into PC Productivity, but couldn't get the needed finances for it. Then turned to ITT Tech, scored high on their admissions test but like PC Productivity was first denied then retried and approved for financial aid. Starting in June I'll be entering Computer Software Applications and Programming for my Associates Degree. Wow I really don't have all that much to say, hahah. Hmm Jim is getting married in September jus a couple days after my birthday. Which means he'll be staying in Washington which is cool. I'm gonna see if I can move out there after I'm done with my school. I think I need a chance of pace from Wisconsin. There's just too many problems I've created for myself in this state. We'll see, that's way in the future.

March 3rd, 2005 - Thursday 
Have you ever had someone come back into your life that when they left you were glad they were gone? At first you recall the good times and perhaps wonder why didn't we get along? It's happened to me a time or two. First was with the gal I dated in High School who for some reason keeps coming in and out of my life the last four years. At first I feel glad to be talking to her and then I understand why we broke off our relationship. She is now thankfully living in another state. For the more current event of this, my last serious girlfriend. We dated for just over a year when finally I was able to be strong enough to say enough was enough. It's been nearly two years since we were together and now her and her fiance have called it quits and she is contacting me. First time she called I was a little nervous and somewhat I don't wanna say excited because that's not an accurate word, but maybe intrigued? We ended up seeing eachother and spoke about the past two years. She admitted she's still a bitch, but that was very apparent just by the look she has in her eyes. She's still a cutie, but I don't forsee anything coming out of it. It's probably best that way. In fact, I'm pretty sure it is.

Febuary 15th, 2005 - Tuesday 
Moderately fun day today. I learned a few days ago someone is spreading an absurd rumor about me and another girl at work. Lisa is pregnant and dating Jason. Apparently Stephanie who is Jason's sister is telling him I'm flirting with and trying to take Lisa away from Jason. I do admit I do flirt now and then, but I have no motive to flirt with a pregnant girl who has a bf albeit a fiance. I have morales for pete sake. So in a poor attempt to resolve this issue I text messaged Stephanie whom hasn't been in the same room I work in for about a month telling her to leave me out of her sick twisted life. She rebuttled with 'shut the fuck up im jus looking out for lisa and jason you hurt them u deal with me' Now if you know me you know I don't take threats lightly one bit. I texted her back saying something like 'ur empty threats may work in high school but im not some kid so i suggest you keep your mouth shut' She later called my phone and left a message telling me to stop calling her, stop text messaging her and to leave her alone and that she is not the pyscho to see the pyscho I only need to look in the mirror. Here is the funny part, I haven't spoken to this girl since before Christmas when I told her to stop flirting with me and to devote herself to her at the time fiance. Appartently that pissed her off big time. Her voice mail made it sound as if I was the one starting something here when it was HER! LoL I know I shouldn't have but I text messaged her back telling her if she wouldn't have lied to jason about me I wouldn't have contacted her through text message and she needs to tell jason the truth. Gotta love drama!! I came home after work, laid down. Went on the computer for a bit and then who messages me? Kandice. That's three people in a week I didn't think I'd be hearing from ever again. Two of which I kind of hoped to never hear from at all. I guess you have to take the good with the bad. Kandice just felt the need to tell me she doesn't love Keith anymore and she is moving out on her own, blah blah. Oh, she started using the Voice dealio on yahoo and geesh she sounds a bit manish over that. Or maybe I just remember her being more of a girlie voice.

Febuary 14th, 2005 - Monday 
I went for a drive jus to get out of the house and pick up some food, I came home and my cell had one missed call and one text message. It was from Ann. One of the last people I expected to contact me on Valentines Day. Apparently she heard a Queen song and Beatles song which enticed her to call me, seeing as how she'd been thinking about me for the last few days. We talked for a little bit and I found out shes moving to MN with her boyfriend. I'm sort of mixed on if thats a good idea. Her son's dad will be out of prison later this year and now hes not gonna have a chance to see his son. I don't think that is fair to him at all. On the other hand, shes that much father away from me!

Febuary 8th, 2005 - Tuesday 
I was going to the breakroom and Beth came through the door telling me she had a note for me, my initial thought was 'crap i screwed something up' then Lisa walked by saying something about my best friend in which I thought was jus something sarcastic, after I got my hot chocolate I went over to her desk and she was telling me she and donna were at a bar last night an some Jim bought them a few drinks and they got to talkin about what school they all went to and when Jim found out one of the went to West he asked if they knew me which they did. The note was Jims contact information. He's been one of my best friends since I was 11 years old and I had no idea he was still alive. He had been in Iraq for almost a year and haven't heard from it at all during that time. Don't know what else to say right now, I'm just happy he is still alive and has all his legs and arms etc...

Febuary 3rd, 2005 - Thursday 
My truck has finally been sold. Learned a helluva lesson too. Never meet someone from a different state in a city you don't know your way around. Especially Milwaukee during rushhour in the center of downtown. I've never experienced so many stupid ignorant drivers in one place before in my life. On the brighter side, I should be getting a second job, part time at a retail store in the coming weeks. My truck is paid off and so is my car, with the money I got from the truck I was able to knock out some bills and get caught up on others that seemed hopeless. So far things look like they are getting better for me.

January 25th, 2005 - Tuesday 
I was watching tv and noticed how slutty women are nowadays. Years ago a woman would bend over backwards for their man, now since women dont 'need' men to survive there are far fewer women who go that extra mile to prove their devotion to their man. Maybe less men now deserve it? I'm not sure. I know I have had my fair share of screw ups with women, I've also had my share of being screwed over by'em as well. It's 11PM and I'm just really confused with the women as a group. Could my perception of women as a group and not as individuals be what is holding me back?

January 3rd, 2005 - Monday 
So this is 2005 huh? I got a raise, so I guess the year is starting off pretty good. Although Keiana's mother is being the money grubber I've always known her to be. Upping the child support from a set rate of 200 a month to 17% which totals near 300 a month. Her reasoning behind wanting more money was because I was working over time every saturday and she felt since I was making more she should be taking more. This wouldn't be a problem if she actually needed the money, I'd offer the shirt off my back if my daughter needed it. Long boring story. Part of being a father, you get jacked by the mother even though her mom bought her a brand new house and helped get her a vehicle while you are struggling to go back to school. Wahh wahh POOHEY!! I'll be getting a cash job soon. Two jobs are better than one anyhooterz. Still haven't sold my truck yet, dammit. That'll be helluva load off my shoulders once that is gone.

December 10th, 2004 - Friday 
Holy crazy go nuts, haven't really updated this to much lately.  Been a long time. I still work for the same company although I was hired on and given a raise. My car well that's a crap story, had to spend 600 to have a new cylinder head and gasket installed and 300 for a new clutch and just a few days ago it jus went over 200,000 miles. Lets see what else, I'm still single, don't really know if I wanna date again or not. I've met a few people that make me miss having a gf, but the negatives are still outweighing the good so far. Hopefully that will change. Worst news in the last six months, I don't see Keiana anymore. Kind of a long story, but I think overall its probably best for her in the long run. I don't know, how things went down I was really made to look like the bad guy in the situation but all I wanted was the best for Keiana.  I just don't know about it all, I really miss her though.   I've kind of been talking to Ann again, not too much. We've watched a few movies here and there nothing special. I mention her because she was such a huge portion of my life growing up in my late teens and to see how much she's declined as a person is truly amazing. She has no personality, still a pretty girl but she's so fake. She puts on this act for others to like her and it tears her apart.  When she doesn't have all those "friends" she's the same good ole Ann I'm used to, the sweet caring thoughtful person. Like everything in life though, you have to move on and understand people change, she just keeps changing.   Oh speaking about change, I had my self evaluation today, I had a lot of things I wanted to change but I still wanna a job later so I only put a few down, lol. It's now 10:17PM and I gotta get some sleep for work in the morning.

April 19th, 2004 - Monday
Work is going pretty good. Finally have a regular 4 10hr shift now and every other Saturday off so I can spend it with Keiana. Going from 32 hours to 40 hours a week should help me stay afloat on bills and other money needs. Thinking of joining a Baseball league with a guy I work with. Only problem is, costs money to get in and I haven't play organized Baseball since I was 12. The more I think about it, the more I realize I should just got out and play and have some fun in my life again.

March 23rd, 2004 - Tuesday
Finally getting settled in at my new house. Got the phone hooked up yesterday, cable and road runner were installed two days after I moved in. I got lucky on that one. Dial up for a month or so would have drove me to the nut house for sure!

March 17th, 2004 - Wednesday
Recieved my first full paycheck from the new job today. I can't believe how things are starting to turn out for me. I'm reaching each of the goals I set in October one by one just like I wanted to. Although I'm debating on going to college this year or not. I want to, I just want something stable in my life for a change. If I stay at this current job til August 05 I'll have some money saved up for school and I won't be so strapped while going to school full time and working part time nearly full time. So many things have happened in the last year or two in my life I don't wanna over due anything, just want to take things in stride.

March 5th, 2004 - Friday
Woohoo!! Got a job. Not so woohoo I have to work tomorrow though.

March 3rd, 2004 - Wednesday
Well I'm back in Green Bay again. Thank god. I hate living in Sturgeon Bay, great place to visit terrible place to live in..

March 1st, 2004 - Monday
Once again I'm redoing my the lay out of my website, hope it something that I like this time. Sound familar?

February 15th, 2004 - Sunday
Dale Jr won the Daytona 500 exactly six years after his father Dale Sr acomplished it, to the exact day.

February 5th, 2004 - Thursday
w00t, just got a new car today. '96 Purple Saturn SC2 5-Speed. Here is a picture of what is resembles. Although my car does not have hubcaps it has some alluminum rims.

Janruary 2nd, 2004 - Sunday
Five years late, but I finally have something that is 'equal' to a diploma. I have my GED now therefore opening the door for college in August. Hopefully I can get some Financial Aid to pay for it and begin a carreer. .

December 23rd, 2004 - Tuesday
Due to some unfortunate dealings with my father I've reluctantly had to move back to Sturgeon Bay, WI (I hate this place, it sucks here). Good part bout moving back here, I get to see my mom and brother more often.

October 28th, 2003 - Tuesday
Been a few days, site's host was having problems, so I thought. Turned out I had something enabled when it was supposed to be disabled or yeah. It's up (obviously) now so its all good. In the meantime I've been making templates and Photoshop images.  Working again, although its not reliable but the pay is great and so is the job. Hopefully it lasts a long time, we'll see though. 

 

October 21st, 2003 - Tuesday

Ever know something but couldn't prove it? That has to be one of the most frustrating things ever. You try to prove it but you can't because its claimed to be fake or altered in some shape or form.  No one trusts anyone. This world sure seems to be taking a sharp turn for the worse the last years, well for me that is.

 

October 20th, 2003 - Monday

Have a couple of job interviews to attend later today, hopefully they all hire me :-) 1 of 29 applicants, not looking good since I have zero experience in the field. Hopefully I had some charm to push them over.

 

October 19th, 2003 - Sunday

The Packers lost again and Dale Jr failed to finish in the top spot, again. I think the Packers should start planning for next season and drop all there games so they get a high draft pick.

 

October 17th, 2003 - Friday

Once again I'm redoing my the lay out of my website, hope it something that I like this time.

December 15th, 2002 - Sunday
Sold my Beretta last night for $600, I paid $300 for it six months ago. Nice profit. I also start my new job Monday. Kind of thrilled but then again I'm gonna be working, no real thrill there. 

November 28th, 2002 - Thursday
Thanksgiving eh? But yet only taken from still.

November 8th, 2002 - Friday
The new well only Eminem movie came out today. I was really looking forward to seeing it but I have no one to go with. Kind of a bummer. I had my hopes up really high to see it on the first night it was released. Guess you don't get what you want. Sometimes you jus get what you need.

November 6th, 2002 - Wednesday
Brakes on the Grand Am are fixed now.  Kind of torn between the berretta an the grand am as to which I want an which to sell. I love driving stick but the grand am is so fast. Arggh, decisions decisions.

November 5th, 2002 - Tuesday
Fantasy league team is now 7-2, still the powerhouse of the league. Although one team is catching up to me. Everyone else is far behind. Wanted to fix my Grand Am's brakes today but its raining. Hopefully it will stop. I'd really like to fix that so I can sell my berretta an pay some bills LoL.  Don't buy something from TigerDirect.com unless you aren't expecting your money back. I had bought some things from them a few weeks ago an now have that money as store credit. I bought a hard drive an mouse for my computer. Got the hard drive last night.  What a pain in the ass. I now know why men don't ask for help. It only confuses us more than we already are, an eventually we'll figure it out on our own.  House is clean. (looking around for something to do ...hmm) Dishes are done. Maybe I'll call some places up for a different job. Redo my resume a little. Maybe play some Tribes. Although I'm really getting tired of that game as of late. Just isn't the same anymore. Its like everyone knows everything and I know nothing. Morons acting like I don't know wtf I'm doing.  I don't know anymore. I'm glad my life doesn't consist of tribes this tribes that though. Hmm whoa I think it stopped raining.

November 3rd, 2002 - Sunday
Living alone is not fun. I always thought "I wanna be on my own" It's not all that great. No one to share your day with. No one to confide in.  No one to help pass the uneventful time from the when you wake til you go to sleep. No one to sit by you during movies/TV shows. No one to listen to the radio with. No one to sit next to you an complain about how lame the news is or about how stupid that guy is on elimidate. Loneliness sets in the moment you walk in the door. Emptiness. How does something that feels empty hurt so much? I should be happy. I have my own apartment, my own car. Christ three, a 87 F-150 4x4, 89 five speed berretta an a newly acquired 87 Grand Am SE 3.0. You'd think I'd have tons of fun toying with them. But with no money life alone rather sucks. Maybe that's what it is. Knowing I have no way out. I can't go out anywhere because I have no money. Can money replace a person? I don't think its possible but what if it can make it 'easier'?

October 29th, 2002 - Thursday
It's official, shes my baby girl. Got the test results to prove it!

October 16th, 2002 - Wednesday
The script is called "Life", it's not yet been written.

October 11th, 2002 - Friday
Well the week is over. Finally. Better week than last week. (work wise anyhow) Fantasy team notes say starting Tim Brown is a must and I had Eddie Kennison starting in place of Brown. Kennison's rap sheet. Eddie is very inconsistent and is not a good idea to start this week.

October 8th, 2002 - Tuesday
What a day. Too sick to work. Slept on the couch. Found out my car isn't gonna last much longer unless I can prove my mechanic abilities are better than I think. (I'm screwed) My best friend's girlfriend sends him a 'break-up' letter when everything seemed to be going fine. Why do these things happen? When a relationship is going good it's supposed to keep going, right? I mean shit, if its not broken don't  try to fix it. Just wish there was something I could do or say to make him feel better about this all. But there is no replacing that empty void left by a loved one in your heart.